Love Him
by janya.wrote.nightrose
Summary: Companion to Protect Her, Claire's POV. No matter what he thinks, it isn't his fault-- but that doesn't change the fact that she's broken. Will she ever find the strength to love him like he loves her? Quil/Claire
1. Chapter 1

**This is the companion to Protect Her. You might want to read that too, as i'm not sure whether or not this will stand on its own. This story will be in Claire's POV. And in the first few chapters, it will be difficult to understand her, since she's three years old. Forgive her. Please REVIEW!**

Wet. Laughing. Tickle. Laughing again.

No Quil, though. Sad. I miss Quil.

Bath. I take bath. I always take bath without Quil, and so bath is sad.

Quil is happy. Quil make me happy.

Out of bath now. Put on clothes.

Quil! "Hi Kwiw!" Say name wrong, but okay. Make Quil laugh.

"Claire…"

Something wrong. Quil look sad, and I don't like Quil sad.

"What's wrong, Kwiw?"

He answer after waiting. Waiting bad. "I… your mommy should tell you this, but I want you to know, sweetie. You have to go stay with your daddy, and you know I'm not allowed to see you when Daddy's around."

No. No, I don't like Daddy! I like Quil. I like Quil bestest. Everyone else stupider. And meaner. Quil the one I like best! He can't go away! No! "But… but fo' how _wong_, Kwiw?" Maybe, if only for a while… sometimes Quil goes away for whiles. When Daddy comes back. It is always long whiles. But he always comes back.

"For a long time," he say, and I want cry. I don't want long time, I don't want Daddy, I want Quil!

"But I wuv you!" I love him the bestest of anyone. I thought he love me! He can't go. He have to stay, because I love him.

"I love you too. More than you can understand, possibly know, anything. But I can't. God, Claire, I promise. As soon as I can, I will come see you."

He says promise. When he says promise, he always does. And he says soon. Soon isn't long. Soon is good. Soon means he comes back… soon.

But I don't like any time. Soon is good, but soon is not good enough. "I don't want you to! WANT YOU TO STAY!"

I feel lots of sad and angry. Mommy says big girls not supposed to cry when they sad and angry, but Quil is leaving. I feel so much I can't stop cry. I want to cry forever, until Quil comes back.

Which he will, he has to. I love him.

Quil pick me up and hug me. I stop cry. He is good at hugs. It makes me happy. He is warmer than other people. I am happy, not sad and angry.

He talk very quiet. "I love you, Claire, and I swear I will be back. Someday, one day, every day."

He better. Every day better be very soon, if Quil know what good for him.

"You are my world, sweetie, you know that?" I do. Is why I love Quil best of everybody, because Quil love _me _best of everybody.

"I love you. Good-bye."

He look sad to. Maybe is better, if I not only one sad. "Bye-bye, Kwiw."

He gives me kiss on forehead, and I smile.

I think Quil cry too, right before he run away. I want that I could run with him, or after him, but I's too little. I can't do nothing but lie here and cry.

I want him come back!

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	2. Chapter 2

**Claire is now four years old. Enjoy! Favorite! REVIEW!**

I didn't even see it coming.

Literally.

I was looking down at my homework.

Seven plus two… nine.

I wrote it down with my pencil.

There was a loud noise and a sharp pain. Mostly from the shock, I started to cry. I looked up and saw Daddy.

He was grimacing at me.

"What… what… what…" I couldn't figure out what had happened. I was only four. I didn't know what was happening. Also, I was crying, great rasping sobs.

"Shut up!"

This time, I did see it, but I couldn't move out of the way of his hand.

The noise was so loud I bet everyone for miles can hear it. I felt wet tears slither down the sore left side of my face. "Why?" I whispered. That's the question I was looking for.

"I told you to shut up!"

The third blow came, even harder. I screamed.

"Shut _up!_"

He hit me again, this time breaking the skin. I watched a single drop of dark red blood fall on the white paper, blotting out my carefully drawn seven.

Finally, I obeyed, too terrified even to cry. He smiled and walked away.

This wasn't the Daddy I knew. Never very touchy-feely. Never very loving. Never open. Never…

Quil. I half-remembered him. Daddy didn't love me, and Quil did.

But Daddy never _hurt _me. I was shocked. No one ever hurt me. I was little. Big people sometimes hurt other big people, on shows and movies, and little people hurt other little people all the time… just yesterday Will and Matt had gotten into a fight in the playground.

But big people didn't hurt little people. It was wrong, and strange, and it hurt.

I gently touched my face, and had to choke back more tears at the sudden pain. It was agony.

I could feel the sharp stinging, only increasing with time.

I gasped and dived for the covers. I just went to sleep, too afraid to stay awake. This meant the homework didn't get done.

The next morning, Daddy smiled. "Hi, Claire Bear. Want some breakfast?"

I wondered if it had all been just an extension of the nightmare I'd had.

But that didn't explain the sore part of my face.

Daddy drove me to school, and I walked in the building. My teacher was shocked I hadn't done my homework… I was usually a very good student.

"What happened, Claire?"

"Nothing… I… I just fell asleep. I'm sorry," I explained, knowing right away I couldn't tell her. She wouldn't believe me. I didn't even believe myself. She looked at me skeptically.

"You are sure? Nothing at all?"

"No. Nothing. I'm really sorry. Am I in trouble?" I asked, cringing. Did I have to be afraid of her, too? Mrs. Heather was so nice, though. I couldn't imagine her hurting me… then again, I hadn't thought Daddy would ever hurt me, either.

She sighed and took the partially finished paper. Her eyes darted from it to me in shock.

"Claire, why is there blood on your paper?"

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	3. Chapter 3

**WARNING: Really, really depressing, themes of... icky sad stuff. On a lighter note, Breaking Dawn comes out in like 4 hours... and REVIEW!**

Darkness. Now I no longer knew where it began and ended.

Darkness and nothing and fear.

Fear.

I was afraid. Of everything. Of my own shadow, literally. I feared every person, every idea, every word and name and action. The smallest twitches looked like blows. The kindest face looked like _him._

Nothing but the nothingness and the darkness and the fear.

There were days when the pain was so terrible I could barely move, and yet I had to get up and act normal, because if I didn't…

No, I didn't really know what he'd do. But I was so afraid. I knew it would be bad. Sometimes fearing it was worse than it actually was… but it was always plenty bad enough.

I walked in the house as quietly as I could. I hoped not to wake him…

I never can get what I want.

"Claire!" he screamed. I flinched. I hated that noise… my own name terrified me.

"Claire, get over here!"

I went. My footsteps were nothingness, a quiet patter of tears on the carpet. They were loud enough, just loud enough, that he didn't forget his command by the time I reached him. I had failed, and I would pay the price.

The punishment was not one I expected. Pain came in a different way this time. Stranger than ever before, without the physical hurt, but such fear and loathing…

His lips closed around mine.

I turned and ran, up the stairs, before he could follow.

No time for thought. No time for fear. I had to, had to, had to… I had to get away. I had to be safe. I had to! It wasn't possible… I hadn't felt this way since I was four, since the very first blow.

I was terrified, but I had to overcome it so I could escape.

I closed the door to my room, panting. Not an instant passed before I heard his lumbering footsteps behind me.

I clicked the lock closed and prayed I would be safe.

I turned to the closet. There had to be something I could do. Eventually he would sleep, and I could run away. I couldn't stay here. There had to be someone I could trust…

Quil. Half a memory, half a real savior. He had always loved me. He still would. He wouldn't hurt me. I could find him. I could be safe.

I stuffed clothes into the backpack I still wore, ignoring the hammering of my heart. There was an ominous creaking sound, and then a crash.

The door fell to the floor.

I screamed.

He started to laugh, and I crouched by the bag, trying half-heartedly to hide.

"Oh, little Claire. What are you doing?"

I couldn't answer.

"Packing a bag? Going to run away? Where are you going, little Claire?"

"To..." I began, then broke off, trembling.

"Answer."

"To Quil."

He hissed. "Quil. You know what he wants? You know what he'd do to you, you stupid little girl?"

I shook my head.

"Well, I'll show you."

I screamed as he walked toward me.

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	4. Chapter 4

**OMC. Breaking Dawn. Beware the awesome. And REVIEW!**

No. No. No.

No. Not again. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

He turned. And he took two steps toward the couch where I sat.

I gasped, terrified. Again, I had allowed thought to escape. I couldn't be afraid. It wasn't acceptable. Because he _knew _it, when I was afraid. He could smell the terror on me. And the consequence always came. There was nothing I could do.

There was one way to prevent it. If I felt nothing, he would be unable to hurt me. If I was nothing, I could not be lower. I could not be hurt… not even by him. If I didn't exist, he couldn't bring me any lower.

I had to do it. I had to figure out how I could be invisible to him… and I didn't know how, not really.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I exchanged the other for that word. Nothing. Nothing. I am nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

He turned away from me and back to his newspaper. I stared at the blank wall as though my very life depended upon it. There was nothing in the universe but it. It was the only way I could be safe, if I looked, very hard, straight ahead.

Yes, that would work. If I didn't deviate from the path, he couldn't find a way on.

I looked at the wall. There was nothing at all on it, but it was more than enough to keep me busy. I had to stop myself from thinking, to look right ahead, straight at the wall…

And then it would all be fine. Yes, it was working. He didn't notice me. He didn't come near me. He didn't try anything… he just flipped through the newspaper.

He stood and went to bed. I didn't dare move. Instead, I napped immobile on the couch, waiting still for consequence to come.

Hours passed. Nothing happened. I grew very hungry. Silently, stealthily, I crept toward the refrigerator, opening the door in a single smooth motion.

Nothing happened.

He didn't wake.

In the morning he came downstairs and didn't look twice at me. He opened the same newspaper, peering through the pages, eating some cereal. I didn't breathe the entire time, until suddenly the fear couldn't hold back the physical need. I exhaled as silently as possible.

No. Oh, no, oh no… I saw his eyes turn.

He stood. My heart stopped, until I realized what was truly happening. He stood, and didn't walk toward me. He just left, presumably to go to work, without even noticing me.

I breathed for the first time in a year. I was safe. Maybe briefly, maybe forever… I shouldn't hope for that, but I was still only a child. He hadn't yet crushed all the hope.

No, that happened that evening, while I sat perfectly still staring into nothingness. I didn't even see him come in, so intrigued was I in the bland wall.

I didn't know he was there until I felt his breath on my ear, hot and wet and foul.

"Hello, Claire. Miss me?"

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	5. Chapter 5

**ReVIEW!The fat woman shifted in her seat. "So, you're Claire?"**

"Yes."

_ Keep it short. Don't tell her anything. _I heard his voice whisper in my ear. _Be brief and simple… and it won't be so bad when you get home. _I shuddered. I hated talking to the people. Not because they were anything less than kind… just that their visits always drove Daddy crazy…

"And you're how old?"

"Seven."

My birthday's in a week. I don't expect anyone will know. Hopefully I won't get a present of any kind from my father… I gently touched the bruise on my leg and closed my eyes.

Have to keep it hidden. Can't let anyone see. There's no place for you to go, Claire. No place to run to…

"Second grade, right?"

"Yeah."

"We heard, from your teacher, that although you're a very bright child," she smiled here with what was supposed to be flattery, "you have a rash of unexplained absences. You also seem… nervous, especially around male students and teachers, and sometimes you have a lot of boo-boos."

I said _seven, _not two. I tried not to wince at her baby talk. However, it proved a decent distraction from the aching fear. What if she found out? What if…

"We're worried something bad is happening to you. You live with your father?"

"Yeah."

I tried to keep my eyes and voice perfectly level at his name, but it wasn't easy. Every part of me rebelled when he was mentioned.

"I see you have a little cut on your face."

I wanted to laugh at that. A little cut. Last night he threw a dictionary at me. It did glance off my face, after almost cracking a rib. I could hardly breathe from the aching soreness on my chest. "I tripped on the playground."

"Are you sure… we want to know if your father had something to do with it."

This was new and different. They'd never directly implicated Daddy before. Always, it was innuendo and leading questions. Maybe they were finally concerned enough to do something about it… but nothing could stop him if I told them. "No. My daddy loves me very much."

I looked down. It was too true. He loved me in a strange and terrifying way… but he always said it was how grown-up people loved each other. I never doubted him.

"Are you sure, Claire?"  
"Yeah." I tried to sound confused, but positive. The woman sighed and nodded.

"All right. I'll let you go on home. Now, you come talk to me any time you want, all right? And I'll keep an eye on you, sweetheart."

"Thanks," I replied, keeping that false puzzlement in my voice.

I stood and walked out of the office. He was waiting. Gently, he took my hand, smiling at the lady. "Is she all right?" he asked.

"She's fine."

I could hear her suspicion fade between the twin acts we had put on. He guided me carefully from the office.

We walked to the car.

And then there was nothing more to hold him back- the act faded in an instant. I was alone with my fear once more.

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	6. Chapter 6

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Alone, always always alone because I could never trust anyone because they could all be him any minute…

Strange he was the only one I really trusted, in a sick way since I believed everything he said… never doubted, never for a minute doubted, always knew

Because he told me the truth when everyone else always said they'd never hurt me and I knew someday someday soon they would

Only he said they all would, that he would and he always did

What he said I could trust because he was the only one who always told the truth even if the truth was terrifying and horrible

I remembered Quil sort of distantly like a fading sweet dream out of yesterday but he said Quil wanted to do the worst sort of things and I knew he was telling the truth

Because he always did

I was so afraid

I knew I couldn't trust anyone but him

I knew he was telling the truth

I was dependant on him, not just because he was the one who kept me fed I would give up the monetary things in an instant to be free of him and all the pain and terror

No I needed him because I knew he was the only one who would never lie to me because even if he hurt me I knew I knew he would and I knew he would give me fair warning and I knew how to keep him away most of the time when I really needed to I could keep myself safe and that was more important than some silly daydream that someday there would be someone

Like Quil

Who would never hurt me

Because people hurt me it's just the way my life is even the people who don't throw the punches ask those questions and when people ask questions he gets so angry and I am so afraid

Always always always always always

Pain and fear with no end in sight because I can never trust anyone not now not ever there's no way out not for me I'm stuck with him forever

"Claire?" the teacher's voice calls and I run to follow because I have to and I don't know what she'll do if I don't…

No, no no nononononononononononononono…

It's him it's Quil the stupid lying daydream

He's come just like Daddy always said he would and he's going to take me with him and do all the worst things and it's going to be awful and I can never trust anyone and at least Daddy I'm used to dealing with I don't know how to deal with Quil

Help someone help me

He stared at me with open eyes and horror in his face and I shuddered

I knew what was coming next

"Go on back to class, honey," the teacher said and I ran away from him before he could lie to me, make me believe he loved me and wouldn't hurt me made me believe there was any hope for me

because there wasn't there wasn't there wasn't there wasn't

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	7. Chapter 7

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Again just another dark empty day not knowing what to expect but definitely expecting something knowing it would come

Knowing he'd know Quil had come knowing he hated Quil knowing that as always the blame and the pain would fall on me I was so terrified I knew what was coming and it would not be good

Nothing in my life was just interspersing times of painful agony and anticipating more of it pain and terror taking turns one and then the other that was all I knew of life

I went outside with slow steps because I knew he would be waiting

But no

It wasn't the him I expected

It was Quil and he was trying to smile but he looked just as afraid as me it was terrifying really it was and I didn't know what he had to be afraid of he wasn't going to get hurt because he'd come back that was me…

"Hey, Claire."

"Hi," I said. I knew he could hear the fear and I couldn't bring myself to care because frankly I was too afraid

"Do you remember me?" he asked and it was a stupid question because of course I could never forget him he was so deep a part of me he was like a dream unforgettable I would never forget him

"Yeah. Quil… from before," before the pain and fear and nothingness before I was nothing but weary terror Quil from before everyone was an enemy Quil from before when I was able to trust when I was able to love when people were still trustworthy when they wouldn't hurt me Quil from when I could love him Quil from when I could let him love me

"Yep. That's me. Quil from before. And I'm here to take you to your mom's, or maybe Aunt Emily's. Up to you."

No it was bad enough he was here not this not more no no no no it was too much if he took me away if he took me with him Daddy would find me and… and… and I didn't I couldn't I… oh, no. no I couldn't let this happen it was too much too much fear this… no.

And he smiled at me so hopefully but I had to tell him why because I couldn't "I haven't seen them in ages… I'm not allowed. Daddy'd be angry."

I winced at that thought because anger and pain were twins and they were so close together entangled in my mind and reality and where he was angry pain would follow

"Honey, I'm not going to let him hurt you. That's why you're coming with me… so your daddy can't hurt you anymore. All right?"

Not all right. Not all right that he knew. How did he know? How could he have found out because soon enough his knowledge would come to light and there was no question or wonder to it I knew I would pay the price "How do you know?"

"I talked to him… he said that he had. And that made me angry. I don't want to see you get hurt. You might not remember, but I love you very, very much, Claire. I want you to come with me so you'll be safe."

I did remember. I knew Quil, he was unforgettable but I didn't know he would come I never thought he'd come I had tried to go to him but…

And that made me remember, what Daddy had said, what the truth about this so kind Quil was what he would do I couldn't go with him

"Daddy said… he said not to trust you… he said you wanted to… wanted to…" I trailed off, ashamed. Because it was hard to believe in Quil's compassionate smile their lay any malice any potential for shame and pain it was far easier to believe he was a liar than that Quil was

"Oh, sweetie, no. He's lying. I'd never do anything to hurt you. All right? You don't have to stay with me. You can live with your mom, or your aunt."

And I looked into his eyes and I believed him and it had been so long so long since I had believed anyone "Aunt Emily. I don't want Mommy… she never came."

His dark eyes were large and they filled with tears I knew tears knew them well could it be he felt my pain could it be he cared it seemed unlikely but maybe just maybe there was a shadow of a hope

I had to have it to hold it close and pray

"I'm sorry," he said like he did. Like it was true that he would be there that he did care after all

that there was someone in the world

who loved me?

Me?

I am not the kind of person who is ever loved I think that's clear

But could it be he does?

"You need to get anything?"

"No. I don't want his stuff… I want to start over."

I wonder if I can. I doubt it. Could I truly forget all this is it possible the horror won't follow me I doubt it but I can hope right?

Hope is something I've almost forgotten but like Quil it stayed forever in a way

"I'll do my best to help" he said and it wasn't just another statement, which had been made countless times before

it was a promise and he would keep it, because Quil wasn't like the others

He cared

Didn't he?

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	8. Chapter 8

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Yes. Yes he did he had to because the whole time he drove me home he let me sit and wonder

He didn't try to make me talk he didn't try to make me trust him and it proved I should that he was worthy

But I wasn't sure I could that I had it in me I thought maybe I was just a little too weak a little too terrified

And I never knew when he would return when he would hurt me again because Quil could try to protect me but when he wanted something nothing stood in his way I knew that by now was I really safe I doubted it to tell the truth

It was my father's car we rode in I wondered how Quil had gotten here I was so afraid sitting in this familiar seat but I stopped the fear he wasn't the one who had ridden it before he was different he would never hurt me I knew he wouldn't he didn't have it in him he was so kind and good and though I didn't deserve him to care I was so glad he did

The car stopped and I recognized Uncle Sam standing there and he didn't look happy and I was smart enough to know that wasn't a good thing not for me or Quil who had already become a part of me in a way.

Uncle Sam looked furious and I was so so afraid for us both because when men get angry bad things happen

I took shelter behind Quil and he hid me from the terrifying anger "What the HELL, Quil? Visit means VISIT, not KIDNAP!"

Quil wasn't supposed to have me here Sam would make me go back and then… no… no… it would be worse than it had ever been before he would be furious he would probably kill me no he wouldn't be that kind it would be worse than dying whatever punishment he chose he would torture me I would wish for death and never get it it would be horrible

Quil couldn't protect me I knew it I would have to go back no no no no no

And he didn't protest. But he did say something "Claire, honey, will you show him that bruise?"

I stepped forward and turned the cheek to him and then dived back behind Quil before he could do something bad I knew from experience that when I had visible injuries they led to more visible injuries because marks meant questions that he didn't want to answer and it was always my fault and…

"Sam, he was hurting her. Hitting her. And… and… I can't even say it, but I can see in your face you know what I mean. What do you want me to do?"

he knew about that too? But that was secret no one but me and Daddy knew about that all the people who'd ever asked questions hadn't known it was my private shame and terror…

"Anything else," Sam answered, and I knew then that I would have to return.

Quil looked at him just looked and said "Sam, what if it was Emily?"

This had a strong effect on him Quil continued and his visible grief grew stronger at the mere thought

"What if she was being beaten up by someone? Helpless, because you weren't helping her? Unprotected, because you weren't protecting her? What if someone was _raping _her? And she isn't even an innocent baby. Don't tell me you wouldn't have done exactly what I did."

"You killed Jack?" Sam asked and I didn't believe it was possible can pain be killed can fear can death can evil I didn't think so

"Yes," though, he said, and I believed him.

Something, relief or sorrow or just not knowing some strong emotion filled me

"Good. And I'm sorry," Sam said.

I could stay.

"So am I," Quil replied. I followed him into the house.

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	9. Chapter 9

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I remembered Aunt Emily she was warmth in a human form she turned the world to light

I had missed that it was similar to Quil with the brightness and she was also one I could trust "Now, dear, you're going to start school, but not for a while. Get used to us first, okay? I'll let you meet the boys as soon as they come over next. Sam's friends. They're loud, but they're nice fellows. Don't you be scared of them, all right?"

It wasn't so easy I knew it but nonetheless I thought I might try because I trusted her and so I could trust them

"Okay."

"You, out. I need to chat with my niece," Emily commanded Quil and I let him go but it was hard because without him I was terrified

He and Sam left and Emily looked right at me and sighed.

"Claire, what happened to you?"

"Can't tell you."

"Can you show me?" she asked and I shook my head no no one could know it was my secret my deep dark terrible secret only he and I can know even if he is dead I know that if I ever tell anyone I will be punished I will be hurt he will murder me and I will have earned it with my immense stupidity it's a secret

"No no no… no no nonono I can't I can't he'll kill me, no… don't make me, please don't…"

Emily sighed and put her hand on my shoulder. I screamed. "NO!"  
Immediately, she retreated. "Claire, I'm sorry. I won't hurt you, and you have to know we'll never let him hurt you again."

"He never hurt me. Never. I was happy. I never said he hurt me," I tried to lie, and she just shook her head.

"Claire, I need you to show me. Just take off the shirt, just so I can see. And then you can put it right back on, all right?"

Quietly, I reached for my clothing. I knew I had no choice. I had received the identical command- for a different purpose and from a different person- before, and it had dire consequences when I'd refused. I didn't have a choice, I never had a choice.

The shirt came off. Emily gasped. "Claire…"

"Yeah?"

She tore her eyes from the devastation my clothing had covered and turned to the stairway. "Sam, I need a doctor. Right away!"

No, I wasn't allowed to show a doctor. I couldn't tell anyone not ever not a doctor because he'd find out because no I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't let them make me no

Quil and Sam reentered. Emily glared at Quil. "Quil, when I said out, I meant out."

I saw the way Quil's eyes raked over me not with lust not with painful desire but with sorrow and regret for the pain that lay ingrained there "I want him to stay" because I did I wanted him here.

Quil smiled and took my hand carefully in his the skin was burning hot but his touch was gentle and not bad not at all I was able almost to smile even though he was touching me that was new for me

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	10. Chapter 10

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The man who Sam led in was cold and pale and blond and beautiful he captivated the eye and he smiled kindly at me I shivered and tried to cover myself up

"I'm the Alpha. I'm making an exception to the treaty, so Claire can have the best doctor," Sam said apparent gibberish Quil nodded and thanked him but I didn't understand I didn't know what treaty or what an Alpha was and at the moment I didn't care I was so afraid

"I sincerely hope none of you did this. Otherwise there may be no treaty to make exceptions to," the stranger said and I felt that meant though it was still confusing I thought it meant he too cared that maybe just maybe there was another person I could trust so little time so many new people and all so good and kind I didn't know this was possible

"Of course not. Quil imprinted on her seven years ago. Her parents got divorced. She went to live with her father. Quil just found out about it this morning."

Sam's statement again was largely indecipherable but I could tell one thing it meant he cared and that made a huge difference that one way or another Quil hadn't known hadn't left me alone with him knowing that he'd been just as surprised as me that he would never have let me suffer

"Good. I didn't want to have to kill you. There's only a few weeks left until we move, anyway."

More killing many murders today first my father and now this mysterious man threatening Quil I couldn't stand it I don't want to lose him not so soon after I learned that I could find him

The stranger's eyes swept professionally over me and he frowned "Claire, does it hurt?"

I winced what was the right answer? Should I tell the truth could he really not hurt me anymore or would it be every bit as horrible as it always had been before I went with a nonconclusive "Yeah."

But that didn't close the case apparently. "Where?"

Everywhere everything hurts my soul and my body and my mind inside and out so much agony from the blows and the fear and the worse things he'd done everything hurt and the scars and bruises would never fade they would always ache and burn until finally I died

"My ribs. And my back. And stomach and my legs." It was as close as I could get and it was the truth that was the site of my most recent injuries where the physical pain was strongest

Quil turned to me and a strange growling noise escaped him it was a noise of anger but not at me I hoped maybe at the one who'd done this but he couldn't know I couldn't tell him no one could know not ever

"Okay. I want you to come have an x-ray done. It looks like you might have a broken bone."

What if that could show them all of it everything he'd done no I couldn't let it happen

Quil whispered "I'm so sorry Claire" I don't think he knew I heard

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	11. Chapter 11

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"Quil, will… will you come in with me?"

I don't want to go alone don't make me go alone Quil because I need you and I'm only safe when you're there I don't trust him I don't trust anyone no one but you and you only a little can you blame me when everyone the only one I've ever trusted beside you hurt me so much no it isn't my fault say it isn't my fault or say it is but don't blame me please come with me please

"Of course, Claire. Of course I will."

I smile cautiously at him I am not certain why it is an unfamiliar action but the happiness just frees itself and flits across my face and he grins down at me and takes my hand

I try not to be afraid I try not to rip my arm away from his touch I try not to shudder and weep but I do not think I have it in me I am far too weak I am much too afraid I have suffered so much too much to trust again

We enter the room and it is dark and empty even though it is bright and full of people it reflects the nothingness inside my heart yes I am dark yes I am empty yes I am cold and cold and cold and I don't know where everything that was once me has gone, yes, yes I do. I know that everything I was all the brightness and goodness all the sweetness and dearness all the trusting innocence has been stolen and submerged in this horrible nightmare of his evil soul.

I am left alone in a room to change into a thin paper garment that is not in any way an ample covering I shudder because it leaves me exposed to the cold I feel so naked and vulnerable

Anyone can hurt me

Only then Quil comes back in and takes my hand again the doctor smiles at me and says "All right, I need you to step over here so I can get an x-ray."

I wonder what that will feel like will it hurt what do I care

Maybe it will. But I have no further capacity for pain I think I've felt it all already so I shouldn't care, no make that I don't care I do not care and you can't make me you can't make me

He can't make me

Two ribs. Broken more of his handiwork it isn't all he's broken my body yes and also my heart

But I don't care he can't make me care he can beat me to death but I won't care

Quil trembles as the doctor pronounces the diagnosis and noticing that the same cold man says something bewildering "Impressive control, pup. I am surprised you do not phase here and hurt her."

"I would never, NEVER hurt her. Nor will I allow anyone to hurt her."

For a moment I am comforted but I know Quil can't stop the pain

And then all of a sudden once again he is a threat "You love her"

"Yes."

No don't Quil don't please don't, don't love me I know what people who love me do and it hurts…

He does not come near me. And so I am comforted because maybe maybe he won't hurt me

I don't trust it but I pray for it and maybe it is enough

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	12. Chapter 12

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"Very well… I'll need to see those ribs. Come back in two weeks. I want to make sure they're healing properly."

"Whatever you need, Dr. Cullen," Quil replied with a strange precision in his voice. It seemed very unlike him almost military like he was acknowledging important orders from a superior I wondered why could it be because of me he always said he loved me no cared about me could it be true could I remember right?

"He must have hit her very hard for that much to happen. Or else he might have thrown her down the stairs."

I could not permit such speculation he would find me he would hurt me if I let someone else know it was a secret it was my secret my secret shame they couldn't know or he'd know they knew he'd think I'd told them he'd think I had betrayed him he'd think I was a traitor that I deserved what I knew he'd do to me

No one would have mercy no one could stop his justice everyone would hurt me no one would love me he couldn't know I'd told them no one could ever tell him I'd told but I hadn't had I they'd figured it out some other way how had they anyway it wasn't fair it wasn't all right it was a lie it was… I would lie I would convince them they would never know it wasn't the truth "I fell down the stairs."

"Okay. Thanks sweetie," And I felt skepticism in Quil's kind words but that was all right because I would pretend to believe him just like he pretended to believe me and if we lied to one another long enough the lies would come true.

"All right, I'll need to keep an eye in it… most of the bruises look like they're from slaps or punches. Claire, if you want to talk about that, it would be very helpful."

He sounded so sweet and gentle and kind this stranger doctor like he would really not hate me if he knew

But even if he could hear the words kindly there would still be pain _he _would find out he would find me he would hurt me and so I couldn't do it, I was tortured here torn between… oh, God, I couldn't let them know such things would happen… "Sorry…" I whispered and knew I disappointed them and feared there would be repercussions no fists swung towards me but I knew it would never last peace never did happiness never did

"I suggest a therapist? Abuse can be very traumatizing."

This was the doctor again and I couldn't listen to it I couldn't stand it, I couldn't take it, I couldn't let it be true couldn't let it be real I couldn't tell anyone I couldn't let him know he didn't know it wasn't true he was making it up no one knew it was still a secret

"It's up to Claire," Quil said and I wasn't sure, nothing had ever been my choice before, I wasn't even sure what it meant to choose, to have something really be up to me

"I don't want to." I couldn't tell anyone, I couldn't and if it was my choice I could keep this safe I wouldn't have to do this, it was safe I was safe as long as I had a choice.

Quil smiled at me and tentatively I returned the smile and even though I wasn't sure it would last I was for the first time I could remember happy.

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	13. Chapter 13

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"Hi, Emily," I said with mock, or rather forced, enthusiasm- I still hadn't quite mastered the skill of treating people as allies and not enemies I was still watching my back but I could sort of pretend to trust and maybe that would be enough

"Hi, Claire. I wanted to talk to you."

"Okay."

"Quil asked me to explain this to you. You must be pretty confused, all the stuff we've been saying, huh?"

"Yeah" with all the things that didn't fit into the world doctors and death threats and Quil killed him how could Quil kill him when Quil was just my Quil and he, he was a nightmare and so much more Sam giving orders and unquestioning obedience and Quil's hot hand, burning but not sweating, and so many other little things…

"Well… you might not believe this. Not right away, anyway. I… I didn't, not at first. Quil, and Sam, and Embry and all the guys- and Leah, too… they aren't people quite like you and me. You see, they're werewolves."

"Okay."

"Do you believe me?"

She didn't seem to believe _me._ "Why wouldn't I?" Because if I could trust her I could trust her, if she was telling the truth when she said I was safe she was telling the truth when she said this now.

"It's… hard for people to accept, that the person they lo… that the person they know so well turns into an animal."

"A wolf?"

"A big, _big _wolf. Sam's a black wolf." She smiled, stretching her hands further than they could go to show the size she was describing

"What about Quil?" He was the most important because Quil was somehow mine, my protector… my friend, the one I could trust I didn't feel quite comfortable with the whole idea but it was definitely the truth

"Brown. Like chocolate," she added and I laughed

"Cause he's so sweet!"

"You should have met him before he impr- before he met you, Claire. He was not… well, not exactly a sweetie. He's grown up a lot. He used to be a goofball. Evidently, being a werewolf does a lot to mature a fellow."

"So how do they change? With the moon?" I hadn't seen many stories I was just dredging this up from memory of books and movies and rumors and other girls telling scary tales in those little circles of friendship I never quite belonged to

"No… when they get angry." Emily's fingers drifted, without conscious thought, to the great scars marring her cheek, fingertips gently touching the scars.

"Was… was that…"

I didn't know how to ask the question.

"Yeah. Sam."

"I'm sorry."

"God." She rolled her eyes "I only hear that from him every three seconds. Guilt, Claire, is an extremely unattractive emotion."

I stood for a moment in silence, and then embraced her, Emily, one of my two friends in the whole wide world and we laughed together about the craziness of this world we lived in for some strange reason

We were not the monsters but we were undoubtedly on their side

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	14. Chapter 14

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And it wasn't so bad no, it was right, it was the way I was supposed to be, wasn't it, it made sense, didn't it, it was _natural and right _to be on Quil's side

Because he loved me

Oh, god, it had been such a long time since I knew a feeling like this I had been so little I could hardly remember when I had last trusted someone

But I trusted him, I loved him, I knew he was never never never going to hurt me, I knew it like I knew… like I knew my own name, like I knew the sun would rise in the morning, like I knew the sky was blue

It was effortless and natural in a way I had so long thought nothing ever would be again

"Quil? Can I ask you something?"

and that was why I was doing this, even though it was wrong, even though the idea seemed somehow strange, like I shouldn't be allowed

"Anything." He always had a smile for me, because he was bright and alive and real and he knew I needed it more than anything else, because I didn't have any smiles of my own.

"Quil, can I…" I trailed off.

It was rude. That was why I couldn't ask him, because it would be _impolite_

How odd that a convention like that applied to us after all of this but I couldn't ask

"Claire? Sweetheart? What is it?"

"I… I don't want to live with Sam and Emily anymore."

His eyes widened, his back stiffened, I could see him tremble with fury

It was a while before he spoke and I could see the rage in his eyes carefully controlled but present nonetheless "Did… did… why?"

"It's too hard to be around them. They…"

He breathed a deep sigh of relief great enough to be visible "Are in love with each other so much?"

I nodded- it wasn't that Sam and Emily didn't like me, they did but it was hard to see it hurt me to know that other people could love each other, that she never suspected him, that they had so little pain in their lives that such a love was even possible

"Not because… they wouldn't…"

I saw his suspicion then- "No, they didn't." they've never hurt me. Don't worry, silly Quil, no one has hurt me for a while now. I am safe here and I can even hope to be happy someday soon

"Oh, thank God, Claire. But… do you want…" again, his breathing slowed- nervousness, perhaps, though I couldn't fathom why "Do you want to come live with me, Claire?"

"Yeah… I was actually going to ask you if I could."

"Really?" He grinned. "Sweetheart, of course. Of course. Anything I can do for you."

"Thank you." To my own surprise, I threw my arms around him- the first time I had willingly touched another human being in… years, as long as I could remember

"You're welcome. I'll go tell Sam and Emily."

"Will they be angry?" I asked quietly- I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings, but I just wasn't a part of their family yet, I wasn't part of their lives

I wasn't their little girl

"I won't let them," Quil promised, and I walked upstairs to collect my things and start over- again.

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	15. Chapter 15

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"Hello. I'm Quil Ateara. This is Claire Young," Quil said, extending his hand. The stranger woman took it- she smiled and introduced herself

"I'm Katherine James- Ms. James to the students, of course. Claire, you'll be in my class when you start on Monday."

I nodded "Thank you."

"May I ask why you stopped in to see me? It isn't usual for a new student, though of course I want to get to know all my kids."

I cowered behind Quil's arm he didn't seem to have a problem with it he was always there for me to hide from the world behind, he was my barrier he would keep himself between me and danger always

"Claire, honey, do you want me to tell her?" I nodded

"Ms. James, Claire is… well, her father… passed away recently."

It was an awkward beginning, and I knew it was hard- I knew, though no one else could, that Quil didn't regret it, that Quil had killed him- but he couldn't say that

"Oh!" My new teacher's long hands flew to cover her mouth "That must be terrible. You poor dear… I'm so sorry for your loss."

"What loss?" I asked. It was a question in all innocence but it hung there in the air. Ms. James stared blankly at me. Quil cleared his throat.

"Claire's parents are… were… divorced. Her father had sole custody of her. Her mother has sole custody of Claire's sister. She agreed to that because Claire's father was financially more stable. However, when I dropped by, quite recently, to check on Claire at her mother's request, in talking to her teacher there…" Quil paused. I flinched, waiting for the words I knew would come. "I feel like I have to tell you this, so that you can understand why she can't be quite like the other children… Claire's father was sexually and physically abusive to her."

There was a long, heavy pause I could feel the thick air lying heavy on my skin I could hear those inadequate words ringing in my ears they were horrible but not enough an insufficient nicety compared to the reality of the pain

The teacher spoke into the silence "I'm so sorry. Why people hurt children, I will never be able to understand. But I assure you, I will be very careful with Claire's feelings. I think it's the right decision to send her to school with the other kids. She needs to make friends of her own age. However, I promise she will be safe- and as happy as possible- in my classroom. May I ask how recently she came here?"

"Three weeks ago. Emily Uley is her aunt."

"Does she live with them?"

"I live with Quil," I offered.

Ms. James smiled at me, the same way Quil did on the rare occasions that I spoke, encouraging, kind, with a clear message of _Good for you. What else do you have to say?_

"I used to live with Sam and Emily but I like staying with Quil."

"Are you related to him?"

I frowned I wasn't sure "I don't think so. I think he's just my friend."

"I'm one of Sam's friends."

She nodded, as if that meant something to her. "Well, I'm glad to have you in my class, Claire. And it's nice to meet you both. I'll see you on Monday."

"Bright and early," Quil laughed, diffusing some of the tension of the revelation.

I clung to his hand as we left.

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	16. Chapter 16

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I walked into school Quil's hand reassuringly on my shoulder as we reached the door he turned me around to face him- I winced, and so did he, he knew why I was hiding, why I was afraid.

"Sorry, sweetheart."  
"S'okay," I whispered.

"You can do this, Claire. I know you can and you will," he said.

"Really?" I was terrified- because I still assumed every person was a bad one, that those who were kind and sympathetic, those I could trust, were the exception and not the rule, that one day there would be, if not another _him, _than more of the hundreds who had known and done nothing, the teachers who didn't care, the girls who laughed at my fears, the police who walked in and out and said everything was fine when I was too stiff and sore and agonized to move… an accomplice most of the people I'd known were that kind of person and it seemed far too much to hope for that every person here would be good while every person there was cruel

"Really. You're a very brave girl, you know," he says and I get the distinct feeling he isn't talking about starting a new school I smile back at him but other crueler words echo in my ears _coward _when I shrink away _fool _when I'm too afraid even for that _failure _as he triumphs over me once again hissing the epithets like a lover's pet names in my ear as I flinch and hide and wish I could run and… "Claire? Sweetheart?"

"Sorry." I wince I'm sorry I'm sorry don't hurt me I'm sorry I swear I won't ever ever again…

"Don't be scared, sweetie. Don't you ever be scared of me, all right?" I nod mutely. "I may look scary, but I'm an o.k. sorta guy once you get to know me, huh?"

I nod. "Yeah. Very okay."

He laughs at that, "Thanks, honey."

"You're welcome." We stand mutely for a few seconds waiting I try not to drown in fear and sorrow and terror of the past following me, reaching out to strangle me, to drag me down into the depths of pain I will never really escape

"Well, you'd better go on in. We talked to the teacher, and she understands, but you don't have to tell anyone else, okay?" I nod. "Have a good day, honey. I'll be here to pick you up at three."

I smile at him "I can't wait."

The expression in his face is incomprehensible- I can't understand the joy and glee in it, don't understand why he is so happy at that one simple sentence.

I turn and walk into the classroom, and Quil's eyes follow, gently, as I smile at the teacher and the other kids

One girl waves at me, and I tentatively go to sit by her "Katie" she introduced herself

"Claire" I reply

And just like that, I had a friend my own age

It was alarmingly easy

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	17. Chapter 17

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The day spun by quickly, moments indecipherable, teaching nonsense that didn't matter but kept my mind just busy enough that I didn't have to fall into my agonized memories

Yes, I liked school, I liked it a lot it was a welcome distraction from the pain pressing in from behind I would stay there, stay in class, stay beneath this even desk and stare at this woman and listen to her soft and even droning and fall into a lull of trust

It wasn't safe, if anyone tried to hurt me I was weak, exposed, not in my usual suspicion keeping me safe, but I had a greater motive now

I could trust

Yes I could

Yes I could

He couldn't take it away from me.

I smiled in satisfaction and let the day end. Quil came arms open smile wide and took me to the car

He prompted a conversation about school I told him about Katie my first friend and he seemed delighted to hear it I chattered on and on because it was such a relief.

"Hi, Sweetheart," he had greeted me, and I wondered.

When we reached the house, I finally decided to ask. "Why do you call me that?"

"Do you mind? I'm sorry," he said, but I didn't care it was almost comforting to have that constant reinforcement that he loved me, that he would never betray me, that he called me honey and sweetheart and darling and such good words and never a curse and it was good…

"No… I was just curious," I say to settle his fears and he smiles at me.

Then indecision crosses his face, is he going to tell me something? What does he not want to let me know? I have to know, with a sudden burning desire, I have to, I can't bear to be lied to, hidden from, I need all the truth in his life revealed to me, his very self, so I can know whether or not to trust him

Don't lie to me or I'll never believe in you again, Quil

"You know what I am? A wolf, right?" he begins gently, and I smile because I can sense this is the truth, that he isn't lying or deceiving me, that dear God I was right to trust him, he won't hurt me, he won't… "Yeah."

"Well, we're different than most people in lots of ways. Not just transforming… we can read each other's minds when we're in wolf form. And we imprint on people…" he looked carefully at me here, searching for my response, but the word meant nothing to me. "Imprinting is how we find the person who's more important than anyone else in the world. When you were two years old, I saw you for the first time and imprinted on you."

I ran before thought could set in, before fear could stifle me, before he could reach out and grab me and drag me and…

Daddy was right all along- Quil does want… all those things… he's just patient, tricks me into trusting him, betrays me like this now

I can never go back

I have nowhere to go, where will I turn, to whom will I run? Not Sam and Emily, they're liars too, they made me trust them…

I only have one choice.

I turn and jog, back to him, back to Quil. Maybe I can make it into my room safely, without him seeing. I tiptoe upstairs, but he is there, waiting. Instead of comfort this time his bulk is terrifying and I try to hide, try to run, but can't fear pins me to the floor as surely as those vast hands would

"Wait. Claire? Just a few minutes. You stay right there and I'll stay right here. I promise I won't hurt you, all right? I just want you to let me explain. This isn't what you think."

"Okay," I whisper, because I have to try to believe him because I don't have any choice and because his voice is so gentle and because he doesn't move towards me, doesn't threaten me

"There are other ways to love people than what he taught you, Claire. I would never want to hurt you in any way. That's what love really is. I want to protect you. You are always safe with me. I would never do anything you don't want me to."

"Promise?"

"Pinky swear." He extended the finger in question and I laughed out loud in relief he returned the sound and I walked to him and took his too-warm hand _I trust you _and said

"I love you, Quil. I think you saved my life. I could never have gone on with him. I love you like…"

"Like you should have had a father to love?" he prompts. I nod, and then tears flow, cleansing, sweet tears, tears that trust and hate and love, do not fester into wounds, but clean them out and let the pain flow free

I cry into his shoulder, and I am comforted.

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	18. Chapter 18

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I am alone.

It is my very worst nightmare.

I have been through worse one would think loneliness would not be so bad in comparison one would think I would like it even like being in a place where no one is with me where no one can hurt me a place free of enemies a place free of fear

But you see it isn't there is nothing to fear but there is nothing to love it is empty and I am alone all alone

I have never truly been alone, except when I am with him

I used to run into the woods on the days when I thought I could stand it, used to put off the pain (though I knew it would be worse when I returned, I could change the time of my suffering and that was enough to have some bit of control) I used to sit there, with no one else

But I was not alone

I had the music of the wind and the birds and the sunlight I had the brightness of those rays and the rustling of the trees and my own peace

I was not alone

And then I would go "home" and be greeted with a fist or a kiss and I would close my eyes and endure the loneliness

But this dream… it is a dream, isn't it?

No.

It is reality. Maybe. Probably, because the world is cruel and empty for me and this is hate come to life

Yes, this is what is real, I must forget my short days outside this empty world, without my mounting pain

This and only this is the agony they call life

"Hello, little Claire," he greets me, his eyes gleaming with wisdom and cruelty, sharp like a knife

"Hi, Daddy," I whisper, and close my eyes for the blow that comes, as I knew it would- I catch my own mistakes before he ever does

"Don't call me that," he hisses.

"I won't," I swear.

"If I were your father, this wouldn't be allowed," he says, moving toward me.

I whimper in fear, and another voice invades my loneliness, comforts me, till I'm not alone.

"Claire," says Quil. I look around for him, but he is no part of this dream. It is the real Quil, in the real world, who comforts me, and I am so glad of that, that he is here, that that confirms this is not real, this is a lie that this isn't my life

it's just a dream

He advances toward me again, and I smile at him

Turn

And run

And run

And he doesn't follow.

He doesn't chase me with hands open creeping toward me waiting to strike. He doesn't scream and come after me.

I run away to Quil, because now I know I am safe

My dream fades

I see the colors of this nightmare world slur together

They create a spiraling rainbow that blurs and changes into one big mush of color, a tunnel that surrounds me the whole world a part of it

And darkness weaves in, black another of the colors that surrounds me as the tunnel condenses I look back and see him standing there

"Bye, Claire," he says. "I'll see you soon."

My scream catches in my throat, but I don't release it instead I watch the world slide into nothingness

Into a sleep where I can find peace

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	19. Chapter 19

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Birthdays were not good days because my idea of a present was rather drastically different than his I didn't want the things he gave me (things like pain and fear) no more than I wanted his parties (gaggles of his friends and lots of beer and cowering in a corner trying not to be seen trying not to be hurt)

But this one was different because my life was different now, my life was better (so much better) so much happier I was safe, I was… I was with Quil.

"Love you," he said, sending me off to school with the words that were his custom.

"Love you too," I replied, surprising- no, shocking myself- and him too. I could see the look on his face, like… awe, and shock, and wonder, his eyes wide and his jaw slack, staring, so happy…

I was glad to make him happy like this- he had done so very much for me. It only seemed right, only seemed fair, that I could do this little thing for him this little thing to make him so happy make Quil so happy

Quil my hero

Quil my savior

Quil my friend

My Quil

Mine and no one else's

He loved me

Only me.

Me more than anyone else. There was nothing before me in his mind, nothing to hurt me with its precedence, nothing that could take the security of his devotion from me

Oh, I was safe as long as Quil was mine

I realized that

It was the new basic truth of my life

Once, my existence had been based on "Everyone is my enemy" and I operated assuming that each new person wanted to hurt me, that I had to be afraid, that I was always in danger

Now it was different- I knew something even more intimately "Quil would never hurt me" and it was so true…

I was so glad to know it, to live knowing it, to live the life that I could have, since I knew it.

I was so glad.

That joy stayed all through the school day as my heart expanded, all during the time that I felt such joy, so much of it, and such love, not romance love (I couldn't) but pure simple devotion to him the one who'd made me happy for the very first time I could remember

No one wished me happy birthday, as I gathered they did for others, but I didn't really expect it no one knew me or my birthday no one could be expected to remember me

Unlike the usual, only Tina and I walked home, and she dawdled desperately "Hey Claire! Look at this. Hey Claire! Look at that. Hey, Claire!"

It took half an hour to get home and I was tired when we arrived

I knew Quil would have something planned for my birthday, because of course he would remember- he loved me

But I wasn't thinking of this- "SURPRISE!"  
All my friends were there, smiling, laughing, and I did too, and they all ran and hugged me and I laughed

Quil met my eyes, and what I saw almost shocked me- all that love I'd been thinking about was tangible in his gaze, when he looked at me the only thing I saw was _I love you _and maybe _you're beautiful_

He was staring, and so he blushed when I looked at him, but I didn't mind, not really, not as he thought I did- I could see Quil was afraid he'd scared me

I laughed again, at something one of my friends had said. Quil's eyes widened at the laugh

And then he smiled at me, and I smiled back

Was happiness really this simple?

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	20. Chapter 20

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"Claire, you have one last appointment to see Dr. Cullen today, all right?" Quil says, gently.

"All right." Quil doesn't like Dr. Cullen (presumably something to do with the rivalry between vampires and werewolves, which really reminds me of nothing so much as Sean and Will in my class, who are always starting fights on the playground). But I don't mind him. He's very kind to me, and I think I might like to be a doctor like him someday.

Quil and I got in the car, and we drove to Forks, where Dr. Cullen worked. It was only about twelve miles away- well, technically, he did the driving, since I'm still only ten years old

He lets me sit in the front with him, though- my friends aren't allowed to their parents say it's dangerous, but I know Quil would never let me get hurt

More than I know anything else

We arrive at the hospital, and he helps me out of the car, still grinning about something

Dr. Cullen smiles, his teeth sparkling against his lips. Katie tells me he's cute. I don't really know. I don't think so-but then again, I'm not exactly an expert

"Well, Ms. Denson, your arm has healed up nicely."

I shrunk back from the name, my eyes darting around the room- that was his name _his _name, where was he? He wasn't here, was he, why was someone saying… Ms. Denson… that was me, but it just established that I was related to him, that I was _his, _that…

"Don't call her that! It scares her!" Quil snaps, and I smile gratefully at him- how does he know things like this? I certainly never told him

"Oh. I'm terribly sorry, Claire- Ms. Young?"

It's Emily's old name, and I don't mind being _her _daughter, named as hers, I smile in relief that's right, the part of my life where he was a danger is over, now, over forever.

"I believe you are free from any physical damage caused by the abuse. I cannot do anything about psychological trauma… I've never studied psychology. But I do wish the both of you best luck. Good-bye."

I sigh- good, I am not hurt, I will be able to go on safely with this new life

Quil does not look as happy, and I say, "Quil, what's wrong?"

His eyes flutter shut. I can't tear mine away from his face- I've never seen anyone look so miserable, and I've known some pretty awful experiences

I've never seen so much _guilt. _That's the emotion, that's what I'm looking for, and it makes me worried, no, afraid.

That is reflected in my voice. And I can hear that guilt in his as he almost-gasps, "I'm sorry."

The words aren't enough to convey the scope of what he's trying to say, but I grasp the meaning nonetheless. Yet I answer simply, carefully, "You look sad. Don't be sad."

My words are not enough either, but they have a strong effect on him- "Oh, sweetheart. I just feel so bad. I left you for so long there, didn't come looking for you. Didn't help you, when such terrible, terrible things were happening. I would have done anything, anything, Claire, to save you that."

I look straight into his eyes, and the fringes of my vision see his mouth open into a round O. I make my gaze as intense as possible, and I tell him the truth, to stop all this pointless misery.

"It's not your fault. Not any more than it is mine."

_That _got a response- almost a scream, in fact.

"WHAT! Oh, honey, you are never, never, never, to believe that anything he did to you was your fault!" It was the closest I had ever heard Quil get to being angry.

"I didn't say I did. I just said it's not any more your fault than it is mine. It's _his _fault, Quil. Not mine and certainly not yours. You're the one who saved me… the one who loves me. I don't want you to feel bad, Quil."

I look right at him, and so I see the falsehood when he says, "I don't feel bad."

"Liar."

I laugh- I'm teasing, not accusing. And he joins in, and we walk out of the office, happy

Really, truly happy

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	21. Chapter 21

**The next three chapters have no comparable one in Quil's POV. they're all Claire's! And this one's all-dialogue.**

"Thanks for inviting me, you guys."

"No big, Claire."

"Yeah, we wouldn't wanna have a sleepover without you."

"Really? Thanks, guys."

"You are _soooo _insecure, Claire. Ya know we love you."

"Love you too- in a friend kinda way."

"Of course."

"Hey, anyone got gossip?".

"Maybe…"

"Tell! Out with it, ye rascal!"

"Claire, honey, you read WAY too much…"

"If you aren't going to tell us, you don't get to talk, my friend."

"Fine, I'll spill, I'll spill... I like Sean."

"I _knew _it!"

"He _is _cute… but I thought you guys were like, best friends."

"Well, maybe…"

"Someday…"

"If you're lucky…"

"But he's going out with Linda."

"I heard they're only going out because they did it in the guy's bathroom at school."

"_Really?_ So he doesn't like her."

"Not at all."

"How do you know?"

"Sean was talking about it."

"Right from the horses mouth!"

"Egad, she speaks!"

"And you say _I _read too much."

"So, on the subject of the not-fairer sex, who do you like, Claire?"

"No one…"

"Really?"

"Really

"Claire, you are a _liar. _Hey, ever been kissed? General question, not just you, Claire."

"Yeah. Will and I, last year."

"And you didn't tell me, I your dearest friend?"

"Nope! Claire?"

"Yeah, Claire?"

"Oh, come on. We want to hear!"  
"No."

"Well, _someone _is a dirty little liar."

"I can't… I can't… I can't tell you."

"I thought you didn't like anyone. C'mon, Claire, tell us, we want to know…"

"We're your friends, we promise not to tell anyone, we _swear…_"

"Really?"  
"Yeah! Pinky swear."

"My… I… I… my…"

"Who?"

"Who?"

"Who?"

"My dad."

"_LAME."_

"That doesn't count, dude."

"What?"

"Yeah. It's the first rule of kisses. _Everyone _kisses their relatives, so that doesn't count."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Wait! Claire, you all right?"

"Hon, you look scared."

"What's with you?"

"You can tell us."

"I didn't think… I… I thought I was…the only one…"

"What's she talking about?"

"I… Quil told me, told me I wasn't… I thought… no one else…"

"What the heck is wrong with her? Claire? Claire?"

"Shut up, Kati. I'll handle this. Claire, talk to me. What do you mean, 'no one else'?"

"I thought I was the only one…"

"The only one what?"

"The only one who had… whose… I…"

"Shit. You look so scared, Claire. What's scaring you?"

"You don't know? It doesn't scare you?"

"Claire, I don't know what I'm supposed to be scared of."

"You said… everyone… kisses…"

"What…"

"Oh. Oh my God. Oh my God. Claire…"

"We're sorry."

"_So _sorry… did… your dad… I'm sorry, Claire."

"It's not _your _fault."

"But it's someone's. Claire, it wasn't just that, was it? There was more."

"That's why you don't like guys."

"And why you're scared of Sean."

"And why you live with Quil."

"And why you never talk about so-and-so's hot and why you had to leave Health that first day and why…"

"Yeah…"

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No. Don't, please, don't ask me too…"

"Of course we won't."

"But I'd like to kno…"

"Of _course _we wouldn't ask you to, would we, Tina? We're _much too good friends _to ask you to do something so painful for you, aren't we, Tina?"

"Yes, we are… but one question? Just one?"

"Sure…"

"Why didn't you tell us before, Claire?"

"Like I said, I thought I was the only one."

"Claire…"

"You are."

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	22. Chapter 22

**please review!**

"Happy Birthday, sweetheart," Quil said, grinning. This year it was just he and I celebrating. We'd had a party yesterday- he still wouldn't let me thank him for that- or anything else, for that matter.

He just smiled and said 'I'm glad it makes you happy.'

That's really kind of frustrating, the way he does so incredibly much, and then won't even let me say thank you.

I smiled back at him, though. "Love you, Quil."

I regretted it immediately, as I so often did, with the great hope that jumped across his face. It wasn't fair to say things like that, to get his hopes up. I knew, by now I'd figured it out, that Quil didn't just love me.

Quil was _in love _with me.

At first, when I'd realized this, it was terrifying- I remember thoughts streaming across my mind.

But love wasn't a bad thing. The world was different now. I lived in a universe where I could trust people, where just because he loved me, because he wanted me to love him too, didn't mean he'd try to make me do so.

Because he would never hurt me. It was the truth my new life was based upon.

"Love you too. Hey, wanna open your presents now?"

His calm was really remarkable. I guessed he was a pretty good liar by now. It was a shame I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I knew… but that would make him hope even more.

"Sure, Quil."

He handed me a tiny box. It was wrapped in green paper, the color of the forest outside the window.

I pulled the paper off.

"Open it," Quil said, looking way too nervous, like something about this gift really mattered.

I couldn't think of any reason he'd be so worried… except, of course, because… he loved me. And he wanted to make me happy.

I wished he knew I already was. It was easy to be so, when you lived in a way so much easier and better and kinder than you would have thought was even possible.

I gently lifted the lid.

And gasped. "Oh, Quil, they're _beautiful."_

"You like them?"

He beamed.

"I _love _them." Two earrings lay on the black velvet of the box. They were huge, to start with, big dangling chandeliers. Each started with a round sparkling stone, a thread of silver, and another, then four squares set on their points, made of lines of shining stones, a small hole in the center of each. Long strands of jewels, with circles in their midst and teardrops at the ends, fell almost two inches beneath the earring.

"Quil… are these _diamonds?" _I closed my eyes. I tried very, very hard not to be afraid of him. But… it was hard, sometimes, when he did things this exceptional.

You don't buy diamond earrings for your _friend's _twelfth birthday. I was still a child, but girls were starting to have boyfriends and kiss and that sort of thing… and I wasn't.

"No. they're crystal. And they were my mom's. She gave them to me to give to you."

He was obviously lying, but I smiled anyway. "Thank you so much."

"Put them on."

I picked the earrings up and held them to my head, and then I laughed out loud.

"What?"

"There's one teeny tiny problem. I don't have pierced ears."

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	23. Chapter 23

**please review!**

He took me to remedy that the very next day. We walked through the mall, hand in hand. It was not that unusual. Quil's hand was always warm, and there was comfort in touching someone.

Even if he wanted it to mean something more than it did.

"Right here," he said, and I laughed.

"Claire's? _Claire's?" _

Quil and I have very similar senses of humor. We really enjoy irony, for instance. This certainly qualifies as such.

"Well…"

"How did you even know this was here?"

"Oh, I love jewelry stores." He grinned sarcastically. I did too.

"Very manly, my friend."

He squeezed my hand. "That's what Embry said."

"No, really."

"Do you want me to tell you?"

That was code for 'It has something to do with the past.' I nodded. "Yeah."

"When… you were about seven, probably, I came here to buy clothes." I smiled. I was familiar with how often Quil needed new clothing. The thing about werewolves is their high cost of living. They destroy any fabric near them and rip through ridiculous quantities of food- I usually did the cooking at our house, something I'd learned at a very young age- because Quil couldn't cook _at all. _It was better than eating every meal at Emily's. "I remember I left Sears and walked around the mall. I had to leave… because there was a girl named Claire outside the door where I was. I couldn't stand it. I left to try another store and wound up in front of this place. I remembered the sign. They'll pierce your ears for free."

"Cheap, are we?"

"Sorry…"

"Quil, I'm joking. I saw those earrings you gave me yesterday, silly."

"Oh. Right."

"You are an idiot sometimes."

"Yes. But I try," he offered.

I rolled my eyes. "Come on. Let's get this over with."

We walk into the store. I hissed in his ear, "This reminded you of _me?"_

"The name, sweetheart."

"Uh-huh," I said, sarcastically. He snickered.

"Don't be rude. It's not polite to talk bad about people in their own store."

"Yes, you paragon of virtue you. It's not like you've ever been anything less than perfectly compassionate, is it?"

The wolf-boys weren't known for their manners. They were all nice, of course, but they hid it well.

"Can I help you?" a young woman with blonde hair said. She turned the corner made by a display of truly hideous pink jewelry, and caught sight of Quil. I heard her exhale. "Can I help _you?"_

I rolled my eyes. I was used to how teenaged girls reacted to my friend, but still… it was kind of unnecessary. After all, Quil didn't date.

"Claire needs her ears pierced."

"All right." The girl kept smiling at Quil, who didn't even blink as she bent over to get a needle. "Have a seat, Claire."

She marked my ears with a purple marker and then put the little needle gun right over the dots. "This is going to hurt."

I saw Quil tense at those words. He mouthed 'You sure?'

I rolled my eyes again. Honestly. Like getting my ears pierced could possibly cause me enough physical pain that I'd even notice. Quil worried about me _way _too much.

The needle went through my left ear.

I clenched my fist and closed my eyes. The stinging in my ear burned for three or four seconds.

Then it faded into nothing. The tenseness on Quil's face didn't.

I felt her fasten the blue starter earring I'd picked off a shelf onto my ear.

The needle went through my right ear.

That was all. I stood up and took Quil's hand again. "You all right?" he asked.

"Fine. Absolutely fine." I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "Thanks."

He looked like the world had just fallen down and hit him on the head.

I touched my sore ears and smiled.

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	24. Chapter 24

**please review!**

Sleeping, dreaming as usual, I lay in my bed and tossed and turned, trying to escape from my nightmare world.

He was chasing me.

It was one of the worst nightmares, because it was so cursedly possible- what if I still wasn't free, hadn't escaped? What if it wasn't over?

The darkness stretched before and behind me, so I couldn't see him coming… but I knew he was there, he had to be.

I could hear his footsteps, a steady rhythm so much faster than my own, and I knew he would be there soon.

I was completely alone in this dark world- it's not real, I know it's not real, but that doesn't stop it from being totally terrifying.

I run faster.

And faster.

And faster and faster and yet I still know I can't outrun him. I never could.

His legs are longer than mine.

Why is that so terrifying, that simple thought? His legs are longer than mine… why should that scare me, to the extent that my heart races, that my knees wobble, that my eyes fill with tears and start to drip out water like blood, leaving salty trails down my face.

His legs are longer than mine.

And so there's nothing I can do. I have no escape. Faster and faster though I run, I am still slower than he is and I'm exhausted by the running and my arms and legs ache and the tears are flowing away and I can't see anything except the darkness all around me all I know is that I cannot escape

I cannot I cannot run any faster there is no one to help me there is nowhere to go I can't I…

I scream, something I rarely do, even when I'm terrified because it never does any good.

But I'm screaming not in fear but in frustration. I am so angry, I can't… it's unfair, that I can't escape, that I can't run any faster, that I can't get away from this.

I should be able to, I know it, but I can't, I can't.

It is a loud and wordless scream, but I know it isn't any different, it doesn't do any good

He's closer now, and I hear his breathing, not even heavy despite the fact that I'm panting for breath and his footsteps loud and I feel a hand on my shoulder and I scream—

"Claire! Claire, wake up, sweetheart."

I open my eyes and see a thin light piercing the darkness. I move my mind towards it and it grows and I see that it was a dream.

I wake up.

Quil is looking at me, sitting on the couch in my bedroom, at the foot of the bed, and his eyes are full of my fear.

"Quil?"

"Hey, sweetheart."

"Where… where is he? Where am I? What happened… I…" I couldn't figure it out. The world had so suddenly and dramatically changed.

Quil stands and walks cautiously towards me, rubbing my back. "It was a dream, sweetheart. Just a bad, bad dream."

"Yeah… I know, I… did you wake me up?"

"Sorry."

"Thank you, Quil." I smiled. "Thank you."

**aw, that was sad. don't worry, some comic relief coming up next. claire gets her period**!


	25. Chapter 25

**please review!**

I screamed at the top of my lungs, and I heard Quil come running.

He hammered on the door. "Claire? Claire, what is it? Are you all right? What's going on? What's happening? Claire? Claire?"

"Calm down, Quil," I instructed, forcing the panic out of my own voice. I breathed deeply in and out through my nose, still keeping my tone perfectly flat as I continued, "I need you to call Emily for me."

"What?"

"Call Emily. Get her over here. Right away, please."

"Of course, but… why?"

I breathed again, carefully, in through my nose and out through my mouth. It was one step up from nasal breaths on the scale of impending terror. "Quil. I cannot explain that right now, because I don't know the answer. Once Emily gets here, she will explain it to me, and then I will explain it to you. Now, this is somewhat urgent. I'd appreciate it if you could hurry."

"All right."

He sounded totally bewildered. Then again, I was just as confused as he was.

I sighed and sat there on the toilet seat, trying not to be either terrified or bored senseless by the fact that there was nothing to do but think about what was happening or stare at the white ceiling.

I chose the ceiling.

Fortunately, Emily got there fairly quickly. I heard her knock on the door, two quick and quiet pounds, very purposeful, and then her voice, "It's me."

As if I could possibly confuse her with Quil. "I'll get the door."

Carefully, I stood, and then opened the entry. Emily stepped through. "What's wrong, honey?"

"I'm… bleeding."

"Where?" she asked, perfectly calm.

I gestured vaguely. She nodded, and then sighed, coming over to pat my arm gently.

"You must be so confused, sweetheart."

I gulped and bobbed my head up and down in agreement. I was very, very confused. In fact, I didn't think I'd been so confused in all my confusing life.

"Poor thing. Here. I just have to run out and get something for you. CVS, or my house… my house is closer. I won't be five minutes. And here," she took out her iPod and handed it over, "here's to keep you busy while you wait."

The wait was much easier this time, listening to Emily's favorite pop music and slightly less terrified out of my mind. After all, she didn't seem that concerned, so I didn't have to worry as much. And I had this cheery- or possibly annoying- song to soothe me.

_Under my umbrella, ella, ella, hey, hey, hey…_

I sighed and shifted a little.

Fortunately, Emily came back before I could be driven absolutely insane. That was a plus.

"Here you are," she said, handing me a blue box.

"Thanks," I replied, though the impromptu gift clarified nothing.

Emily sat down on the edge of the bathtub, folding her hand under the scarred side of her face, and explained.

Fifteen minutes later, after lengthy clarification, thorough questioning, a nice long shower, and the use of Emily's present, I emerged, slightly uncomfortable, but relieved.

Emily and Quil were waiting for me outside the bathroom door.

"What's going on?" he demanded instantly.

Emily met my eyes, and we laughed a little. "Quil, it's fine. Really fine."

"Perfectly normal."

"_What _is?"

I couldn't even meet his eyes. I was laughing too hard. She explained instead. "Congratulations, Quil. Your little imprint is a woman."

He didn't look any less bewildered.

I shook my head at his masculine cluelessness. "You shouldn't be so worried."

"If you'd tell me what's going on…" he began.

"Quil. I got my period," I finally stuttered, and then blushed. Quil did too, and I swear I never thought the kind Emily Uley could laugh quite so sadistically as she did just then.

**ha! that was fun to write. what do ya'll think?**


	26. Chapter 26

**please review!**

Quil and I sat together on First Beach. It was remarkably easy—painless—to sit here, his arms around me. Comforting, even. I never would have thought myself capable of this, but I found I could enjoy the contrast between his warm arms and the cool breeze.

Maybe it was true, what Emily had told me about imprinting—Quil would have been too cautious to say something like this.

"For them, their imprint is their soulmate. For us, our wolves are the one person we can trust completely."

It seemed natural, oddly so, to sit like this. His hands were huge, but they fit perfectly right over my waist.

I looked up at the moon. It was beautiful, gleaming in the almost-black sky like some unknown jewel, shimmering like sunlight on sand.

And I gathered my courage. I had made a decision.

I was sixteen years old. It was time to tell Quil. After all he'd done for me, it was the least I could do.

I had to get it off my chest. I couldn't let this secret poison me anymore. Oh, I would never forget. I would never get over what had happened.

But I knew, I _knew_, that it would be better once I shared it.

"Quil?"

I heard my own voice as though it came from a great distance away. Quil's almost boomed in my ears after it.

"What is it?"

"I… I think I'm ready to tell you… if you want to hear it." I added the qualification in, because I wanted a way out. This was going to hurt. I didn't think about that painful time, not at all, not ever. There were dragons there, monsters in my mind that could escape if I prodded them. Talking about it would be even more dangerous.

"Of course. I want to hear it. Do you want to go inside?"

I liked it in this spot, with his arms around me. His immense size dwarfed me so completely. It made me feel tiny- not like a child, that would be terrifying. Like he could protect me from any danger without even the slightest bit of trouble, or even really thinking about it. "No… it's really comfortable out here. Do you mind?"

"Not at all."

He waited, and I tried—and failed—to find the words. "I don't know how to start," I admitted.

"What's the first thing you remember?" he prompted.

I closed my eyes and searched for the very first memory. It was a surprisingly gentle one, and yet worse than all the pain and horror. I remembered my loneliness. The agony of knowing I might never see him again. "I remember… being little. And you saying good-bye… and that you loved me."

I looked up cautiously at Quil's face. Something in between agony and rapture was there. I took a deep breath- in through my nose, out through my mouth- and continued.

"And after that… probably I was about five, maybe four. I was doing my homework and he came in the room and just… hit me. For no reason at all. Scared me. I started crying and… he hit me again, harder. And again and eventually I got the hint and shut up. He'd do it every day, after that." It wasn't as hard as I'd expected. I was able to say the words, almost in a normal voice. There was a disconnect with it, and that was the only reason I could tell this story at all. Here, in Quil's burning arms, strong around me, sitting on the beach with a beautiful moon smiling on us, was a world so different from the one of my nightmares I could pretend it was nothing more than a story, nothing real at all.

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	27. Chapter 27

**please review!**

And so I was able to continue. "Sometimes it was worse than that… he'd tell me to do something and I'd do it wrong and he'd shout and throw something at me… or throw me at something. That's how the ribs broke. That was the stairs. A flight and a half… it was a big house, all lined up. He didn't like the way I'd folded his socks," I admitted. I'd lied about that when I was little.

I didn't really fall.

Quil's arms tightened around me, strangely still comforting even though I could scarcely breathe. I knew it was a natural way to comfort someone, by touching them, but I'd never been able to stand it, not until this very moment, when for the first time it felt right. "Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry."

My mind was a hundred miles away, though. I was thinking of another day, when I'd tried to run away, to this safe place in Quil's embrace. That had led to the worst day of my life, in all likelihood.

I could feel, as though it was still happening, his hands on my shoulders. It was as though I was still shaking and crying from fear and turning my head aside so he wouldn't see, screaming in pain because I was only seven years old and it _hurt. _I could feel the hairs on my neck blown aside from his breath, and I couldn't bear it.

I didn't know that I'd be able to tell the rest of this story. "Do I have to talk about… the other things?"

His response was exactly the one I expected. "No. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. This is just about you, honey, about helping you and helping me know what you need. That you can talk about when you're ready, or never. It's up to you, Claire."

Despite the fact that I'd anticipated this, I exhaled in relief. "Thanks, Quil. For everything."

"No, Claire, thank you. For being everything."

The memories were still there, choking me. I grabbed Quil's arms and pulled them still tighter around myself, like a vice or maybe a shield. I could feel the warmth of his arms burning away the terror.

Well, Quil, now you know. The one thing you'll never know, though, is how very much I owe you.

I couldn't put it into words. I didn't know how to say it, without speaking about the other parts of my time in hell, the things I couldn't bear to tell even him. He'd never know just what I'd gone through, and thus he'd never know how much I owed him.

Yet he knew some of it. And even though he didn't know how much I owed and needed him, he was still here, protecting me, keeping me safe.

I felt the first tear slide out of my eye and down my face.

The last time I'd cried had been when it first happened.

There was a sense, almost as though I'd broken a spell, of freedom.

Another tear joined the first.

**what do ya'll think?**


	28. Chapter 28

**please review!**

I sat the backpack down on the front dresser. I could feel Quil's eyes on me, and I tried to remain calm. It was a struggle when he did this- but he loved me. That was why he was staring.

Because he loved me. No other reason. He wouldn't hurt me, not for the world.

He'd always told me that, and I believed it. I had to.

"Claire? Can I talk to you?"

What would he say? I wondered. Maybe he'd finally decided to tell me the truth I already knew. "Of course."

"You know I'm a wolf… me and the guys and Leah?"

I nodded. "Yeah." Old news, that. I remembered how surprised he'd been when I'd simply accepted his transformations. It had never bothered me. Quil was Quil, no matter what he became, and it still seemed no less unbelievable that he could be trustworthy than that he could turn into a giant wolf.

"And you know I imprinted on you?"

That _had _scared me. When I was ten years old, and I had remembered nothing except people trying to hurt me or ignoring the danger around me, when the only world I remembered was one armed as if for war and brutally unsympathetic, then I had run away because I hadn't known what it meant to have someone love me.

Quil loved me. It was obvious. And then, when it was the kind of love I could handle, I couldn't understand. Now I could. "Yeah."

"Claire, I'm not sure I explained it right. Please don't run away, I promise not to hurt you. But I'm in love with you, sweetie. I love you so much it hurts and I'll do anything to make you love me too."

_I'll do anything. _I winced and looked away.

He was lying. I _would not _believe Quil would do anything.

Anything I wanted. Anything I'd allow.

But he would not do anything. That was a mere slip of the tongue. He didn't mean that. He couldn't.

Anything. He would not do _anything._

I swallowed. I couldn't help the fear. I knew that. It was irrepressible. There was simply too much of it.

I would _not _run from it, however. I knew he would _not _do anything. There was one thing Quil would never do. Quil would never hurt me.

It was the center of my universe, that knowledge, and I wouldn't allow a simple misunderstanding to change it. I took a deep breath and answered his waiting gaze with the sad truth.

"I love you too, Quil. But not like that. I don't know it I have that kind of love left in me… I'm sorry. I wish I did," I offered, and waited for his answer.

He was almost too cheerful. I wasn't an idiot, I could hear that there was pain in his voice, but he was definitely suppressing it, and planned to continue.

He wouldn't do anything. He would let me stay here with him, without expecting _anything_ in return. "Oh, don't be sorry! Don't. I don't want you to feel bad, beautiful Claire. I want to make you happy. And if you ever need someone to love…"

I breathed again, this time much easier. "If I ever can love anyone, it will be you. I promise you that, Quil. I will always love you the most… but I don't know if I can love at all."

What I said was simply the truth. I really didn't have to lie to him, did I? And it was better, now that he knew that I knew… I smiled, and he smiled back.

"Thank you."

But it wasn't the truth. Not entirely.

Because I thought… it scared me, terrified me, but I thought I just might be able to love him.

I just might want to.

**what do ya'll think?**


	29. Chapter 29

**please review!**

It was the girl I would have been that I missed most of all. Usually, I could live with the two voices in the back of my mind, whispering cruelties in my ear.

One hissed, "Go on, you coward. How scared can you be? Tell Quil you love him. Even if you're not sure yet. Because you _should. _Look at what he's done for you! Look at how he loves you! And you do love him, you know you do, how could you not? He's everything perfect, sweet and devoted and gentle and kind and funny and handsome. You love him. He loves you. What's the problem?"

The other, no less painful, urges the opposite. "Run _away, _idiot. You can't trust him. You can't trust anyone, not now, and not ever. Or didn't the first lesson hurt enough? I would have thought it would teach even a fool like you. But apparently you can't understand that. Maybe this time it'll work, when he turns on you (and he will you know he will everyone does it's just the way life _is _for you), maybe then you'll understand."

They both sound like my father. I recognize the voice, and, with effort, ignore it almost always. There are few times when that can bother me. It's merely a constant murmur in the deepest recess of my consciousness.

The dreams only disturb me sometimes, and usually only when they involve Quil. Apparently, my subconscious agrees with the devil in my brain.

And I can never run fast enough.

But this is a constant facet of my life. It rarely bothers me, since I spend most of my time ignoring it.

It doesn't get to me. When I let the pain trickle over into my real thoughts, _that's _the problem. And it's this path of speculation that's worst of all.

I wonder who I would be, if it had never happened. I _miss _that girl.

In my mind, I call her Claire Denson, the name I forswore for myself, because I can't bear to hear it. My new name, Claire Young, signifies my rebirth, but also the long, long time I was dead before it.

Claire Denson kept her name, because she never knew the pain. It's that simple. She grew up with her mother and her sister, an intelligent and self-sufficient child. She has the same friends as me, the quirky and unusual girlfriends who shared everything, laughter and gossip and even a few boys here and there.

Claire Denson had her first boyfriend when she was thirteen. She still remembered how angry Quil had been, the look on his face like he wanted to dismember poor Will Uley.

She'd had two other boys ask her out. Claire Denson, like me, is far from the prettiest girl in town, but she has a good body and clear skin and a confidence that sends the boys after her.

But she ignores most of the suits, after a while. She doesn't care.

She waited for her fifteenth birthday. Quil had to obey Sam's order to wait, but he'd told her he was a werewolf, and that he'd imprinted on her, before she was really old enough to understand, even. He'd never kept a secret from her.

The day (the moment, probably) that she turned fifteen, Quil had bounded into her house and said in a sweet voice, his dark eyes shining, "Claire, will you go out with me?"

It was so adorably innocent. She remembers laughing aloud, and the hurt in his eyes after that.

She cured that disappointment, walking to him, and, before she could even think about it, kissing him.

Claire Denson told her girlfriends the story of how she lost her virginity to Quil on her sixteenth birthday, their first anniversary. There was nothing to be ashamed of, after all. And Claire and the girls had a great giggling fit about the strange wonder of it.

Quil had asked if she wanted to wait, sworn he didn't expect it, but she'd only laughed again. After all, she loved him, and he loved her… why wait?

Claire Denson is going to marry Quil someday. They're going to have kids, and live a normal happy life. Claire Denson knows this. She doesn't know pain and fear, only happiness. Claire Denson exists in a universe where she's always been protected.

I do not. And that is what hurts the most.

I could not protect myself, and so I will never meet the person I should have been.

**this is one of my favorite chapters. what do you think?**


	30. Chapter 30

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Three minutes.

_Three minutes._

How on earth am I supposed to go to the bathroom, get my books, and walk half a mile in three lousy minutes? It's ridiculous.

I groan and twitch the lock from side to side. It's even harder to do with so much on my mind.

Quil, specifically.

I think I love him. Well, I _know _I love him. But I think I love him the same way he loves me. To be frank. I think I'm in love with Quil.

It's oddly freeing, to think it, and also absolutely terrifying.

Quil has made it alarmingly easy to fall for him. He's sweet, and comforting, and funny, and adoring, without ever expecting anything in return. And he's done so much for me. So much. I owe him my life.

More than that. I owe him everything I am and everything that I'll become. Hope. And life. And love.

I love him. I _should, _yes, and I _do. _

Yet that does neither of us any good if he doesn't know it. And he can't know it unless I tell him and I can't bear to tell him. How could I tell him?

It would be so easy, a part of me protests. Just "Quil I love you" and everything else is solved. But that's too much. Because what do I do next? I can't have a _boyfriend. _

Because then there are other things I owe him. I shudder at the thought. Things I can't give him, whether or not I want to.

_Do _I want to?

Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I want nothing in the world as much as I crave his arms, warm and gentle, around me, sometimes I think it would be wonderful to run up to him, tell him the truth, and just… kiss him.

I'm intrigued by the thought. I can't deny it. And I know Quil wouldn't mind.

But it terrifies me. There is a chill of fear down my back, and I have to remind myself, carefully, that it's merely a hypothetical kiss, and it's _Quil, _and I'm in school, perfectly safe.

Yet if all I feared was my own terror, I'd tell him today. I can't let it control my life. And I can't let it take from Quil what he deserves.

No, it's that he deserves so much more. I can't give him the kind of love he deserves. He wants me, only me, but there are so many things in the world more worthy than I to be loved like he loves me.

I'm broken. Shattered into pieces. He can't see it, but I'll never be a whole person. And he is owed more than even the fullest of hearts can give him. But my heart is empty and splintered, like a pot with a crack in the middle, so everything I put in myself falls right back out.

I can't be what he needs.

If I told him that I loved him, he'd try so hard not to expect anything of me… but he would. He'd expect that love _meant _something, that it meant I could trust him, that I can change. But I can't.

Eventually, it'll hurt him too much, to watch me falling apart when I should be able to cling to him, to give him so much more than I even have.

Eventually, he'll have to give up.

And I won't survive life without him.

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	31. Chapter 31

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But no. I'll have to tell him. It's no fairer to keep this from him than it is to expect his unconditional love.

I sigh. I don't have a choice here, do I? I must do the right thing.

Tell him. And then watch as he drifts away. With a long groan, I turn back to my locker, watching the books, immobile and neatly lined on their shelf. Such an easy existence it is for them, always in their place, never moving unless they've been moved, touching each other but nothing else.

Maybe we're all like that. Maybe we only react to outside forces too vast to understand. Maybe I can't see the hand that moves me, but nonetheless I am being manipulated by forces beyond my control.

I consider the metaphor for a moment, and then the irony strikes hard. Twin forces of fear and amusement race through me and I shake as I laugh.

"You're really insane sometimes," Tina mutters. She has the locker beside me.

I give her a significant look. The one that says, _I'm dealing with my trauma, so buzz off. _She raises both hands and turns away, back to the homework she's desperately trying to finish.

And I go back to my thoughts. Oh, Quil. I love him. I'm almost certain it's true now.

But it's not fair to him!

Why am I friends with him, even? Because he's so kind and understanding and fun.

Why is he friends with me? Because he imprinted on me.

Why am I attracted to him? Because he's _attractive._

Why is he attracted to me? Because he imprinted on me.

Why am I in love with Quil? Because he's gentle and strong and loving and good and the only person I trust.

Why is Quil in love with me?

You don't have to be a genius to figure it out.

And that's what's really getting to me. He doesn't have a choice other than to be near me, and I don't want him _forced _to love me.

Yet I can't live without at least his presence.

It's a conundrum. The only fair thing is to tell him the truth. The only fair thing is to let him go.

But I love him, and I know that, albeit involuntarily, he loves me too. So the fair thing is to be with him.

I don't have any decent options here, do I?

Of _course, _it's at that precise moment that the bell rings. I groan and start for class. As I close the door, an unexpected deep voice comes from behind me.

"Hey, babe," Will Uley whispers huskily. I feel his hand reaching to touch the… the pocket of my jeans.

I scream as loud as I can. People turn around and stare. Tina grabs my arm.

"Claire. Cool it, girl. It just means he likes you."

I whirl around, ready to chase him off, but he's already fled. Tina is looking helplessly at me.

"I'm sorry… I… I…" I'm embarrassed by my overreaction, but the terror is still flooding through me.

Tina hugs me. "Shh, Claire. It's all right. It's all right."

I am comforted. But only for a moment.

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	32. Chapter 32

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It is a long, slow school day. I can only think of two things.

First is Quil. I _have _to tell him. I'm not quite sure how I can bring myself to. It's not fair to keep it from him, but I'm not ready to lose him. I can't wrap my head around the idea of living without him, and I know that's what I'll probably have to do.

The other is my overreaction to Will's little sexual harassment this morning. I should probably tell Quil that, too. I am no more eager to share that than my other secret. But _that _I know he wants to know. And I find it is the kind of secret that only weights me down. It is no relief to keep it.

Finally, at long, long last, the day ends. I am eager to get home, though it means my time to think is over. I've made one decision, at least. I can't tell Quil _today. _I need my childhood with him to last just a little longer. That can't be too much to ask, can it? He loves me. He wants me to be happy. Doesn't he?

Of course he does. Don't be ridiculous, I scold myself. I am getting ludicrously insecure.

Have a little while longer. Wait. Make up your mind. Live this pretend life for a short time and then tell him the truth.

The other thing… well, I guess if he sees something wrong, I'll tell him. Usually, making a deal like that with yourself is a bad thing. Even my most sensitive friend, Tina, never notices when I'm upset. I have learned to hide it well.

On the other hand, Quil gets it every single time. He always knows.

The instant I open the door, he looks at me. I am silent, but the force of his gaze sends a little shiver down my spine. It is surprisingly pleasant—he has beautiful eyes, and the way he looks at me makes me feel like I have a prayer of deserving him.

"What's wrong?" he asks immediately. I almost laugh to myself. He sees _far _too much. No one else would ever notice that tiny shake, or even the unusual silence of my arrival.

Quil, on the other hand, hasn't been in the same room as me for five seconds and he's already decided there's something amiss.

His alertness sends the truth pouring out. Oddly, I can't articulate the experience aloud as well as I can say it in my head. It's painful, tinged with the old terror, to speak the words. I find myself stumbling.

"I was at school, at my locker, and a… a boy came and… and touched my… my butt. I told him to stop and he did, but it scared me. Tina said it just meant he liked me but I don't want him to…"

I felt a tear begin in my eyes. To my horror, the sobs started in earnest, wracking my chest with the intensity.

"I'm sorry," Quil said gently. "Do you know his name?"  
"Yeah. Will Uley."

A sudden tremor ran through Quil's body. "Excuse me, Claire," he choked, and ran from the room.

As he disappeared, the weeping doubled.

I knew it.

He was gone.

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	33. Chapter 33

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Yeah, that's right. Go ahead and tell him the truth, Claire. It's not like it'll scare him away, not like he'll leave you to face the world alone.

Not like he can't ever love you. Not like you haven't been stained, used, _ruined _so no one else can either, not like you're destined to be without love or hope forever.

And ever and ever and…

I grab my stomach, trying to hold the tears in. it takes all my energy to get off where I've collapsed on the kitchen floor and take the first few steps. I have to get to my room. I _have _to. The world depends upon it. I need to be somewhere with a door that closes and locks and keeps me safely shut away from all the problems of the world.

It was a struggle to get up the stairs. I felt a huge weight in my stomach, pulling med own, because I knew I was alone now.

_Alone. _Again. Hadn't I been through enough? No, I had to face the world again, alone. I wondered where I would go, what I would do. Where was Quil? Probably at Sam and Emily's. Trying to convince them to take me in.

It probably hurts too much for Quil to see me like this. It isn't his fault, not at all. He isn't going to abandon me. He'd never be so cruel.

_I'm _the cruel one. For putting him through this. When all he's ever done is love me, and I can't return it like he needs. All I do is put him through more and more pain.

I try to restrain the tears, but I'm sobbing desperately. My heart is breaking with every tearing twitch. I hurt him. I can't allow myself to do it again, because it's so unfair. He'd do anything for me, true, but all I've ever done from him is suck that selflessness, pull his love out of him and giving nothing in return.

I am so selfish. Because I need him, I've been tearing him apart within. But I can't keep pulling at him like this. It's not fair.

The instant he gets home I'll tell him the truth, that I love him. And then I'll leave.

It's only fair.

I have no choice, even though it's breaking me to bits inside with every sob.

There is a knock on the door. A soft, gentle tap, nothing more. I'm positive it's Quil. No one else is that careful around me.

I wrap my arm snugly around my stomach and allow myself a few more minutes to get control. I cry just a while longer, but I don't weep loudly. I can't let him know how totally it's tearing me apart. That will only hurt him more.

I internalize this need. It's more than any of my desires.

I _will not _hurt Quil anymore. It's all I can do for all he's done for me.

It's time. I stand, shoving the pain aside, and open the door. I rub my eyes a little, hoping he won't notice how sore they are.

**sorry about the wait, latest chapter took me FOREVER to get right.**


	34. Chapter 34

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His words are unexpected. His voice is so soft and warm, like an embrace in words. "Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to scare you, and I was so angry. I had to go calm down. Are you all right?"

I am totally bewildered. "You aren't mad at me?" At my failure, at my worthlessness, at all the pain I've caused him.

"No, of course not! Why would I be mad at you?" He seems as confused as I am. For the opposite reason.

"I guess I don't know… you just scared me." Not of the pain, but because I was terrified of losing him.

"I'm sorry. Sweetheart, I'm not mad. I swear." His promise is so clear and beautiful. I love him even more for it.

Although I cannot deserve his forgiveness, I do my best to accept it. "All… all right."

He hears my doubt. "Do you believe me, honey?"

"I believe you." Impulsively, I rush at him, and his arms catch me, burning hot and infinitely stronger than I am. "Thanks, Quil." It feels so right to have him hold me like this. He is powerful, but that strength is directed at everyone else. Certainly not at me. Like all I have to worry about is being able to love him, and he'll take care of everything else. I'm safe in the circle of his arms.

"What for?" he asks, still cradling me gently in his embrace. He is so careful with me, like I'm a twig he could break in half, and also like if he doesn't hold me close enough others might shatter me too.

Always a possibility. But he prevents it, always. He keeps me safe. And he loves me. "For everything. You've always been on my side. Everything."

I feel myself start to sweat just a little in his too-hot hold. But I don't mind. That, too, is comforting. If only I was certain everything could be this easy. Then I could simply love him, with no interference. I could be _over it, _just as I've always wished, and love Quil, as I've begun to desire.

But I can't be.

Nonetheless, he doesn't seem to wish to turn and run, to get himself out of this hopeless situation. "You're welcome."

We are silent, in each other's arms, for a while. I am so happy, blissfully, gloriously, for the first time. I am exultant that I can become something like this, even temporarily, something normal.

For this second I am Claire Denson again.

For exactly as long as it takes Quil to start to speak again.

And then my heart breaks again. "Honey, your mom was at Sam's today."

My whole body rebels. I feel my legs start to tremble, and Quil's hold loosens. He won't keep me against my will, but he _is_ trying to show me there's no reason for my fear. "No! Please don't make me go live with her." I can't. She'll just do the whole thing over again. She doesn't care about me, just about what I am, a bargaining chip in her interpersonal relationships.

She doesn't want a daughter. She wants a pawn, to give to Quil for free housekeeping or my father for a better divorce settlement.

And Quil knows that, and he reassures me gently. "No one's going to make you do anything. You can live with me as long as you want."

It is so obviously the truth but I can't help but sigh in relief. But the fear is still shaking up and down my spine. I don't want to be too comfortable, because so many terrible things might happen.

If I trust.

Yet I know I must trust Quil. There's nothing else possible for me.

I turn from my arms and look at him, straight into his liquid brown eyes, full of unstoppable devotion, and I sigh.

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	35. Chapter 35

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"Really?" I whisper.

"Claire, you know I won't. Don't you know me at all? Do you trust me?"

_No, more than that. Better. I don't just trust you. I love you. _The words are impossible to speak, as deeply true as they are. I can feel them in my lips, catching in my throat, and softly I say, "Yeah."

It's close enough to the truth.

"Do you want to go talk to your mom?" he asks.

"No. But I will…" I don't want to. But I owe her _something. _It isn't fair to leave the woman who gave birth to me wondering whether I'm dead or alive for the rest of her life.

"Soon?"

"Yeah. Get it over with." I smile slightly. He sighs.

"Claire… not to make you angry or afraid, but is there something you aren't telling me?"

I blush. I can feel the heat rush to my cheeks, flooding them with color. "Yeah."

"And you aren't going to?"

I hesitate for a moment, deciding again. But this truly isn't the moment. Whether it's instinct or fear, I have to answer in one way. "No. Sor-"

He cuts me off.

"Don't apologize. I'm always here if you want to talk, but you don't ever have to tell me anything you don't want to."

I duck my head to hide the blush that's erupting still further across my face, setting me afire. "Thanks."

"Anything. Anytime."

I know that isn't true. I can't ask that of him. I don't even want to. It will hurt far, far too much, to know I've bound him to me. I can't. I can't. "Unconditional promises are stupid, Quil."

"Not where you're concerned. Since I can't deny you anything."

"Thanks," I murmur again. I raise my head and smile at him a little. Almost unconsciously, I'm flirting a little. I must look affected.

He looks away, and I sigh and turn the conversation towards other things.

Eventually, he asks, "Claire, have you thought about colleges?"

I sigh. This is another of those topics I can't touch, something that leads to the unspeakable secret I keep. "Yeah. But I don't think I want to leave, Quil. I mean… not unless you could come too… I'd be scared. And I'd miss you."

It's as much of the truth as I can expose. I hold my breath, and to my infinite relief he replies without a beat of silence or doubt between.

"Maybe I could come." He sounds like he means it.

I'm shocked at the easiness with which he makes the offer. "Doesn't the pack need you?"

"Not if you do. They aren't worth a second thought next to you, sweetheart. Besides, Sam's already decided to quit, and the rest of us will follow soon… the leeches are gone. It's really up to the next generation to deal with it as it comes. I'm going to quit too… if you… when you're older… if… maybe."

I hear the unspoken love in his words. He's leaving his future up to me. And I don't have the strength to accept what he's offering.

Again, though, I ask more. Like when I wanted to move in with him, it's incredibly rude, presumptuous, to ask this of someone. "Thank you. I think… maybe Duke? It's in North Carolina, really far away, and it's sort of expensive."

"I've got money. Not a lot, but there's no better use than for you, and I'd be happy to move if you wanted to. I could work there, get a job. We can do it."

I feel the shock spread across my face. "That's more than I could ask."

"You can ask me for anything you want, ever. And I'll try to always, always give you more," he swears.

I react to that promise instinctively. Words I can't say bubble up in my throat. I can give him something. Just a little tiny thing, the only thing he wants, this little bit of love he desires. That's all he's going to ask.

"What's wrong?" he inquires gently.

I leave it to the truth. It does not spill out. "I can't… can't tell you."

Again, I await rejection, but all he says is… "All right. When you're ready."

Will I ever be?

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	36. Chapter 36

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"Claire! Oh, my baby! Are you all right?"

The woman looks just like me. She is a complete stranger. I study the line of her brow, the thickness of her lips, the sweep of her hair, the green of her eyes, and recognize nothing but what I could see in the mirror.

This is supposed to be my mother.

I do not know her. I feel neither the warmth I remembered from my childhood nor the hatred I feel, in the abstract, now. She is no one to me.

"Thanks to Quil, mostly."

I give him a glance over my shoulder and he smiles a little.

My mother's arms close like a vice around me. I can feel her over-eager hands patting up and down, softly striking my back and arms. It is not painful, nor is that the intent (more like a seizure than a slap) but it's enough like my tormented memories to be painful.

"Oh, sweetie, are you okay? What's wrong? Don't you worry about anything. You can just come with me now and everything will go back to normal and…"

I cut her off. This is one thing, this meeting here, this hug, fine. I owe her that much. But I can't let her take me away from Quil, Quil who I love, Quil who loves me, Quil who I trust. No, I won't let that happen again.

Not _again._

I pull myself from her arms. "You want me to come with you."

"Of course! You're my baby girl. I lo…"

Again, I interrupt. "You think we can just pretend the last fourteen years never happened? You haven't seen me since I was four. Since you gave me up like it didn't matter so your life would be easy. So you could have what you wanted. It's not happening."

What I've said is the truth, but it sounds so cruel. I hate myself a little more with every word.

"Why not?"

"Because you want me to go live someone else's life. The life I should have had. The life I would have had. I'm not the little girl who didn't know how to say 'mommy' yet. I've done and been and seen things you can't imagine, and I'm not going back. Sorry."

I tack the apology on at the end. It seems hollow, even to my own ears.

"I'm sorry, Claire," she replies.

"Sorry isn't enough. Sorry is never going to be enough. I can't understand. I can't understand how you could let this happen. I, ma'am, am the one who's sorry. I'm sorry that I don't have it in me to forgive you. I won't. I won't come live with you. I'm going to stay here with Quil, where I'm safe. I'm sorry," I repeat, and this time it's the truth.  
"Don't you want to have a normal life?"

Normal. Like I can ever be normal! I'm still afraid of everything from physical contact to my own shadow. I'm in love with a werewolf. I'm _never _going to be normal.

"No. I like my life. I like living here with the pack and my friends and school and Quil. You signed me over, remember. I'm not your kid anymore. You can't come revoke that fourteen years later. You don't know me," and I don't know you.

"You don't want to be my daughter?" she asks.

I never missed having parents. The simple idea of them terrifies me. Quil is the only family I really need, with Sam and Emily sometimes and the rest of the pack on good days.

I'm _not _anyone's daughter. She gave me up. I was my father's victim. I was never a daughter.

Suddenly, I'm desperate to escape from this choking remnant of the life that could have been mine.

"No. I don't. And if you don't mind, I need to go home. Good-bye, Mrs. Denson."

"Bye, Claire."

"Goodbye."

I stalk off to the car. Quil opens the door for me, as always, and I manage to buckle the seatbelt before collapsing in tears on his shoulder.

"I'm such a terrible person…" I stutter. I can see the pain I've left her in. That brand of brutal honesty is deeply cruel. It's more than what's fair.

"No, you're not. That was a beautiful, brave thing to do, and I'm very proud of you."

I let those sweet words ring in my ears while I cried for a while longer.

"Claire?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Not to scare you, but just so you know… I love you."

I listen as he speaks, and then, before I can even stop to consider it, the truth leaps out.

Because I trust Quil. What's the point of wanting him near if I can't trust him to love me?

And I do.

"I love you too."

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